The Katering Show – WE QUIT SUGAR

The Katering Show – WE QUIT SUGAR


I’m Kate McCartney. I’m Kate McLennan. We’re unstable. Welcome to The Katering Show. Fuck, this is heavy. This show is all about me
and how I can cook delicious recipes that won’t make McCartney
(BLEEP) her pants. But food isn’t just about
not (BLEEP) your pants. It’s also about happiness. It’s about health. It’s about controlling
your life expectancy through what you put in your body so that you never die unexpectedly
on a toilet. We all want to live for ever. And the best way to live for ever
is to quit sugar. So, on today’s episode,
we’re going sugar-free. Wow, that has just gone everywhere,
hasn’t it? (WHISPERS) Shit. Sugar. It’s been really bad for you
since the internet began. Sugar has been linked to dementia,
corn, Americans. Infertility, fatness,
dead orang-utans, depression, and God knows we don’t need any more
of that, do we? (LAUGHTER) But sugar is all I have. Without beer and cheese in my diet,
sugar is the one thing that makes me happy,
aside from alcohol, which my shrink has strongly urged me
to cut back on. So why would I want
to give up sugar? Well, the answer is this lady,
Sarah Wilson. (WHISPERS) Sarah Wilson. Sarah Wilson is a lady
who thinks that cancer can be cured by masturbation or something and who
made up the idea of quitting sugar. She has rich girl hair. And Photoshop skin. And we want to be just like her. And the best way to be just like her
is to quit sugar and get fired from hosting
a cooking show, a goal which we are one step away
from achieving. That’s right, McLennan. So, let’s get started on changing
our lives for the better. Again. In order to become
just like Sarah Wilson, we have to get rid of all the foods
containing poisonous sugars, like apples, wine,
other apples, sugar. Sarah Wilson doesn’t like
to be wasteful, so we’re gonna take
all of these poisonous sugars to the kids next door. You alright? KATE MCLENNAN:
But quitting sugar isn’t just about having a mental illness. It’s about dealing
with sugar cravings. KATE MCCARTNEY: Normally, if we don’t
have any sugar during the 3pm slump, McLennan reveals
her real personality. KATE MCLENNAN: And McCartney loses
all trace of hers. KATE MCCARTNEY:
Usually, we combat this by taking some cold and flu tablets
or doing some cocaine. KATE MCLENNAN:
But we are at a point in our lives where stimulants
make us feel suicidal, so we want to be more even keel. KATE MCCARTNEY:
We want to feel nothing. KATE MCLENNAN: Which is why
we’re going to make a sugarless, food intolerant-friendly
quinoa stack. Yes. Right. Quinoa. Right. Let’s go. I’ve just cooked up some ground beef, which is a great source of…
beef. And I’m just gonna mix that
through with the… Can you just…
Can you just move… Just move the chopping board
over a bit, please. Just… Yeah. It’s heavy. And, so, what I’m gonna do is mix
that through with some quinoa, which I’m gonna get McCartney
to cook just like rice. I hate quinoa. Can you just meet me halfway? So, we just gonna layer
our quinoa stack with some passata and some zucchini, and then
I’m gonna add in some fresh herbs, you know, just to give it
some flavour. No, I’ve got this. Alright? And then we’re gonna bake it
in the oven for 45 minutes. I forgot to turn the oven on. Oh, for fuck’s sake! OK, so, we decided
on a three-hour nap, and we feel a lot better, don’t we? Yes. And what better way to wake up
than by doing the Booze Revooze? Sarah Wilson says
that you should avoid booze when you’re quitting sugar,
so we can’t drink any alcohol, which is fucking bullshit, Sarah. So, we’re gonna accompany
our quinoa stack with this tea, called kombucha, which sounds like the fermented juice
of a parasitical fungus because it is the fermented juice
of a parasitical fungus. You make kombucha from a starter
fungus called a Scoby. But you can’t buy a Scoby
from the shops. You have to be given it, like an STD. We got ours from a woman
called Geraldine, who we met
on an internet message board. Yeah, Geraldine is a lady with really
interesting ideas about nutrition and child immunisation,
who has our home addresses now. Shall we try it? OK… Mmm… Mmm… That tastes like a cold sore,
but, um… No, I can really… I can really feel it doing me good. You look really awake. – Do I?
– Yeah. I feel, well…
I feel really awake. Yeah, and you look really pretty. Yeah, I… I feel pretty.
So do you. – Do I?
– Yeah, you’re glowing. Oh, God. I’m so tired. – I’m so tired, you guys!
– So tired! Day 1 of going sugar-free
was worse than weddings, and it nearly tore our tenuous
working relationship apart. But by Day 2, our lives had started
to feel better, and, more importantly,
they had started to look better. (CHEERY FOLK MUSIC) # Oh-oh, how the summer sun
can make me smile # The world is soft and bright
and warm and beautiful # I think I’ll lie down
on the lawn a while # Oh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Come on down # And touch the sky with me # Sugarless # Don’t you know
how happy we could be? # Sugarless. # So it’s been five days
since we quit sugar and became just like Sarah Wilson. And it has been
a life-changing experience. Our hair is shiny, we’re more alert,
things taste better, we’re more alert, our bowel movements
are like Christmas presents. And we’re still cancer-free. There’s absolutely no doubt
that our bodies and our minds are relishing being off sugar. So are we going to continue
on this amazing sugar-free journey? – No.
– Fuck no. No, we are not idiots. Our friends will not fucking
speak to us. (CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY) No. How do these people who quit sugar
think they’re gonna die? I don’t know. I guess in their sleep
when they’re 102. I mean, that’s the dream, isn’t it? Drowning would be alright. Hmm. Yeah. Or freezing to death in the freezer,
like a cane toad. That’d be good. I want to be buried. What do you mean, like, alive? Yeah, like a daffodil bulb. What is this? It’s Ural.
It’s for urinary tract infections. It’s the only thing I could find in
the house that had any sugar in it. It would be alright with vodka. Hmm. That’s an idea.